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Dating: "He's Just Too Nice!"


Do nice guys really finish last? Baseball manager Leo Durocher and biologist Garrett Hardin, credited for coining “nice guys finish last,” obviously would agree. But just because there’s a television show named after the the common aphorism and a Wikipedia page dedicated to the concept of the “nice guys” finishing last doesn’t mean that it’s actually truthful. Weighing in on the multiple meanings of “he’s too nice” are several honest college students and experts who will explain just what it means for them, individually, and if it’s worth the worrying.

He plays it too safe

“At work and school I have enough structure in my day, and the last thing I want in a relationship is predictability,” said Mindy L., 20. “For me, being “too nice” means that a guy isn’t adventurous or risky enough. Get my adrenaline going every once in awhile,” she explained.

Relationship consultant and blogger Telisha N echoes Mindy’s stance: “You may very well be the type of individual who craves routine, organization and predictability in order to think straight, but even the most anal retentive of personalities need a release from the everyday humdrum.” For some girls, predictability in a relationship is boring. An article on Examiner.com explains this, and states that research proves it’s “the feeling of uncertainty [that] really causes the heart to go pitter-patter, not the looks, the back account, the career or the hot body.” Furthermore, an article on UrbanBelleMag.com states that the nice guy often loses to the bad guy because “women will gladly turn down the guy who actually does what he says (boring) in exchange for the guy who does what he wants (exciting).”

He’s passive

Sometimes, being “too nice” just means that a guy is less than bold. “I definitely don’t like to argue, especially on dates, but nothing bugs me more than a guy who agrees with everything I say!” expressed Christina R., 22. Another recent graduate shared her dating experience, adding, “I don’t want to plan the details of the date or determine the entire conversation. A guy needs show some leadership skills, like just telling me where he’s taking me to dinner instead of making me decide,” Melanie B., 21, said.

Girls can also be turned off by how easily a guy gives up control. Catrina W., 20, gave her perspective on why a guy who made things too easy for her had to go. “I will take advantage of a guy if he lets me. If a guy doesn’t have boundaries, it becomes much too easy to walk all over him, and I don’t even mean to,” she stated. Nicole M., 21, added, “I don’t want a nice guy who will give me everything I want and everything he thinks I want. Why? Because then I’ll want everything.”

Relationship coach and writer for Askmen.com David Wygant shared his rather blunt male perspective on the “nice guy” concept in an article entitled “Why Do Nice Guys Finish Last?” He frankly wrote, “What being so agreeable tells a woman is that you don’t have enough self-respect to stand up to your own values. You don’t think enough of yourself to own your identity, so you become accommodating, inoffensive and boring.” Wygant’s words may be the meaning behind what women have tried to express about passive men since the beginning of time -- a guy must show some passion, instead of just to agreeing with your every word.

Wygant went on to urge men to become “great guys” not “nice guys.” By that, he means that a guy should become one “who treats people well and also stands up to his own principles.” According to Wygant and several of the articles above, nice guys don’t do that. “You want to be a man who leads ... not a nice guy who tries to conform to her wants every which way and puts himself in the beggar’s role. Nice guys are beggars. Great guys are catches,” Wygant added.

Too good to be true?

Not every woman is accustomed to being around nice, respectful guys. Men in her past may not have been gentlemen, so nice guys can throw a girl off a bit. “I was seeing this guy and it’s like he was just too nice, too good to be true. I wasn’t used to that, it freaked me out and I broke up with him,” said Callie B., 19. Greg Dragon, the founder and editor-in-chief of “Hall of the Black Dragon Magazine” (the “online magazine for the modern gentleman”), wrote this about girls who haven’t been treated kindly in the past by guys: “[A“nice guy”] could can show you that you can have respect, love and adoration from a man, without being constantly punished for having the past that you have.” That kind of guy sounds pretty amazing, right?

The fact of the matter is that a girl who’s had a tough time with guys doesn’t have to remain in a rut, says Dragon. In a classic case of “we accept the love we think we deserve” (thanks for that wisdom, "Perks of Being a Wallflower"), some shy away from the perfect BF because of a low sense of self worth. “I, somehow, have attracted many nice guys. I don’t let things go too far because, at some point, it becomes clear that I’m nice as nice of a person as he seems to be,” said Anna P., 18. Just browse the internet and you’ll find an array of articles, advice columns and forums with statements just like Anna’s, in which a woman wrote in because she thinks her man is too good for her and believes a “nice guy like that” deserves better her.

Nice is boring

“Right now, I like bad boys. I’ll get a nice guy when I’m ready to settle down. Right now, I want passion, and a nice guy can’t give me that,” said Erika C., 21. That sums up quite nicely how many young women feel about the “nice guy finishing last,” but of course, that isn’t true for everyone.

Relationship counselor and author Julie Orlov wrote, “The lie women have been fed is that only the ‘bad’ boy can provide enough passion and power to make a woman feel like a real woman.” She continued, noting, “They know who they are and what they have to offer. They just need to be appreciated for who they truly are. Don’t underestimate the nice guy.”

So, maybe nice guys are boring. According to the article on UrbanBelleMag.com, healthy relationships are indeed boring because they consist of two people who follow through on their promises and maintain peace in their relationship; it also states that for a woman in a relationship with a nice guy, the excitement should come from knowing she’s loved and her relationship is stable. Orlov’s article "Nice Guys Don’t Have to Finish Last" includes a list of why nice guys are the best: they don’t play games, they have compassion for others, they’re protecting, they want to support and meet a woman’s needs and they are able to create passion and intimacy in the long run. Although there were conflicting views, it’s pretty safe to say that a nice guy who’s strong in his opinions and principles, takes the lead and is willing to initiate new things to try together are worth giving a chance. It seems a nice guy need only worry about making sure he has a backbone and a voice, and perhaps the only thing that really needs to change about this good guy is the way everyone else views him.

By: Jasmine McCain | Image: Source

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