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Is He Worth the Baggage?


Everyone has a past, and most people have a skeleton or two in their closet, but at the end of the day, who doesn’t just want to be loved, baggage and all? When issues from the past are unloaded in a relationship, you’ll have to decide how many carry-ons you’ll accept. CG weighs whether to turn him away or help shoulder the weight.

Mental and Emotional Baggage
Mood swings, trouble with trust or commitment, an unhappy childhood and lying, all fall into the mental and emotional baggage category. One issue alone could be enough to send you running, but if you’re willing to stick it out and he’s willing to work past his issues, the relationship has a chance at survival.

Doug and Naomi Moseley, who run an intimacy training retreat believe that there’s hope despite this kind of baggage. If you beau’s last relationship ended recently, this couple believes that this is something to consider -- the shorter the time, the greater the likelihood that there will be unresolved feelings from his previous involvement. They also urge their participants to “beware of the person who takes no personal responsibility and is primarily focused on the flaws of the ex-partner.” If he isn’t aware of his role (big or small) in the breakup, he’s “blocking or masking and highly likely to recreate the same scenario.”

Financial and Material Baggage
According to Psychology Today, financial incompatibility is the number one reason couples split up. If your guy has a record of financial instability, wants to control your money, is stingy or is overly-materialistic― the relationship will face problems. After college, these problems could manifest as failure to hold onto a job and provide a steady income. According to Joanne, relationship consultant and writer for The Profile Club, the following traits should send alarms ringing: If a guy is continually exhibiting these patterns, Joanne notes that he’s likely “inherently financially unstable,” “superficial,” “controlling” or “he’s using you.” Money can’t buy love, but it sure can tear it apart.

Physical and Sexual Baggage
Not everyone views sex as just sex. Sex can creates an emotional bond, and those memories and feelings may arise in a future relationship with someone else. For example, relationship expert John Gray said that the mind is totally uninhibited during orgasm, making it quite possible for someone else’s name to slip out your partner’s mouth. However, feelings for an ex are not the only issue in the physical or sexual baggage claim. Other issues can include infidelity, an addiction to pornography, sexual or physical aggression or abuse and sexual experiences with other men. These patterns can be broken if they are acknowledged and he’s willing to work through the issues, according to the Moseleys.

What You Should Do with the Load
With emotional baggage, decide just how much you can carry. Be rational and make a list about those gray areas and the things you’re just not willing to deal with, but also acknowledge your feelings and commitment. Although it’s important to be true to yourself and set boundaries, it’s irrational to think that you must be his first love and that he never lived before you two met. You may even want to find a guy who’s got a bit of a history; he’s probably experienced adversity, commitment, loss and love -- all of which prepare him for a strong, new relationship. A guy’s ex, feelings and past are not things he carries around just for the heck of it ― “they’re a part of who he is,” wrote lifestyle expert Terri Trespicio on HowAboutWe.com. And really, what’s wrong with a guy who’s done a little living?

By: Jasmine McCain | Image: Source

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