If you’re of age, summer is a perfect time to hit the bar with your girl friends and scope out some cute summer crushes. Although your summer fling could be sitting the next table over, we all know there are certain guys who aren’t worth your time. Read through some of the men to avoid during your next night on the town, and see if you can’t save yourself from a seriously awkward situation.
Whether it’s Lady Gaga, 90’s throwbacks, or bumping techno, this guy is into the tunes and has the moves to prove it. Even if the bar is empty, he’s giving you that one finger, “come hither” motion while soloing on the dance floor, holding a Long Island Ice Tea.
Typical behavior of The Dancer is, obviously, dancing. If he’s throwing down moves like the Charleston and consistently using his jazz hands, he’s a keeper and the best dancing partner possible. Stay by him and your night becomes a two-for-one: a fun dance party and a hilarious comedy show. If one of those circle things form on the dance floor, push him in the middle of it for further entertainment.
Avoid The Dancer if you like maintaining your dignity and some morals. Guys who dance dirty want one thing, and it is not your graceful charms or intellect. If any amount of rhythmic pelvic thrusting occurs, you can stay, but be warned–with each passing moment you’re engaged in this position, your risk of feeling sexually violated during a Rihanna song increases. Think about it.
This guy is easy to spot. He might be older, shorter, smellier, or drunker than the rest. He could be the cute guy you’ve never talked to from your dorm freshman year. He could be your science lab TA. Never trust a creep.
The creep may never make actual contact but may linger across the bar, looking at you with an unwavering stare. It is wise to never leave your drink or friend unattended in the presence of this creep.
The creep might buy you a $12 Appletini and proceed to tell you about that one time last year when he microwaved a live turtle just to see what would happen. Did he mention how pretty he thinks you are?
Not all creeps are harmful. If nothing else, their adoration may temporarily boost your self-esteem or permanently raise your appreciation for all of the non-creepy guys in your life.
The Bro travels by pack in a nightly migration to the bar after a beer drought occurs in his natural habitat (frat house). The Bro is wearing a free t-shirt that he acquired at a sporting event, mandals, and he occasionally dons an accessory (sombrero? glow stick necklace? pool floatie?) that he grabs before leaving, at the encouragement of his inebriated pack members. The strategy behind this accessory is similar to that of a male bird’s during mating season–the flashier the better.
The Bro always enjoys a testosterone fueled fight at the end of the night, which is optimal for displaying his intense masculinity and immense strength. Do not get in the way of a bro bar brawl, as any interference of estrogen in the fight only encourages it to last longer.
If The Bro becomes The Dancer at any point in the night, just let him have his fun. If The Bro becomes The Creep, you’ll read about the lawsuit in the school paper next week.
Nocturnal, (maybe) alcoholic, and working for tips, this guy has it all on paper, including your phone number. Easily identified by his position behind the bar, The Bartender is the most revered guy in the place because he pours the drinks.
The Bartender’s physical characteristics typically feature nice hair and a devious smile. Do not misconstrue his friendly demeanor or feigned interest in your volunteer work as sincerity. It might be, but it could also be a clever way to keep you talking and drinking until you eventually pay him all of your money.
Although the mild comfort of knowing he at least has a job might be attractive to you, it’s best to just befriend The Bartender. This way, he can be a friendly, safe haven for you in times of need. Especially those times when you’re trying to escape The Dancer, The Creep, or The Bro.
Kayla Parks | Image: Source